Chasing Sight, as an idea, begun thirty-seven years ago with my father’s death. Of course, at five-years-old I was not thinking about creating a film; however, it was the beginning of my search to understand and grasp who he was, and in turn, live with an ever present wrestling within myself to situate him in my life. It is never easy to loose a parent, but it is deeply difficult to loose someone you need before you have the chance to know them.

In our studies of cross-cultural filmmaking and ethnographic films/documentaries I’ve been deeply inspired and informed by the poetic mode of documentaries, and the impressionistic, lyrical style of filmmaking. In both styles, media/film moves away from a didactic, argumentative stance, and instead situates itself in a more self-consciously stylized, aestheticized approach that is more opaque or obscure to the viewer. These films are generally inventive, deemed avante-garde, and approach reality in an alternative, lyrical way.

In approaching this film I realized this poetic, lyrical mode mirrored my life experience wrestling with the odd sensation of my father’s physical absence, but larger-than-life presence. Like most young people who die young, and tragically, he was mythologized, every year becoming more grander in my hammy down memories and experiences than years before.

How do you capture the breath of a ghost? The tail of laughter you’ve never heard? Your ancestor’s voice, which you carry and cannot hear?

My methodology of creating this film was to allow the imperfect, to embrace a lack of control, and to push myself to experiment and explore. This included my approach to interviewing my family, and conceptualizing the final product. In this sense, I wanted to embrace the reflexive mode, and even a more participatory mode. For example, I informed my mother what I was doing and solicited her feedback on how she wanted to be filmed. Instead of creating a set collection of questions, I sought to have a conversation with her, which included my voice and participation—on purpose.

My goal with approaching this film this way was three-fold, first, I wanted to approach a difficult topic for my family with sensitivity, but second, I wanted to capture as close to their authentic selves as possible. Finally, since this film is personal, and one I am still learning to inhabit, I wanted to capture the impressionistic, lyrical, and poetic nature of life, memory, and love. All three exist in layers that blend, collapse, and reform themselves constantly.

To achieve this style, I watched a number of oft-cited poetic documentaries, and found myself most impressed and eager to mimic Joris Ivens’ Regen (Rain, 1929), Stan Brakhage’s Mothlight, and Alain Resnais’s Night and Fog. The two former are silent films, which both utilized a layered, collage approach that synthesized footage into a larger whole that eschewed a traditional narrative. The later, most commonly known and appreciated for its contrapuntal approach that juxtaposed dark, emotional scenes with a light musical score. In Chasing Sight, I aimed to incorporate all of these approaches at once. There is a collaging, layering of footage shot over a three-year and three state (California, Oregon, and Washington) span, as well as juxtaposition between my voice and my mothers, her narrative and my poems.

Though incredibly difficult, this was a worthwhile experience and project that I hope to further and expand.