It feels as though I have been walking in a long tunnel the past week. Trying to get out of the other side and get to something else. Ironically, instead of walking forward through this tunnel I’ve been looking ahead and walking backwards.

If I am truthful, I am learning what being a writer means. Learning what it looks and feels like to be the composer, architect, painter of words. For someone who has spent the past thirteen years with the identity of artist, it is hard. At the end of a workday I look around and wonder what do I have to show for myself. The work, especially of a novelist, is slow going. There was a day last week that I wrote sixteen pages in one sitting. It was so glorious I have been afraid to go back and write. What if that glorious, flowing feeling does not come back? It felt like magic and I'd rather not believe I can hold and touch magic once.

If I focused solely on writing short stories or poems, ideally, I could have something at the end of a day, week to show, send out, and possibly publish. Some finished product for validation.

Validation. That is exactly the part of me walking backwards, while looking forward.

In looking for validation I’ve become completely undone. I’ve added things to my day that make me feel I can honestly wear a stick-on name tag, “Hello, my name is Kiandra and I’m a writer,” and not get laughed out of the social party of life. In adding, I realize, I’ve taken away the very things that do define me as a writer—writing, reading, and living with heart energy.

Searching for validation leads to burnout and breakdown of creativity, spirit, and energy.

This past weekend I rebelled. I refused to open email, go online, or do anything besides feed love into myself and family. When the slow spread of burnout and breakdown creeps over my shoulder, I’ve learned that I either center myself, or loose the pulse of creativity until I do. The longer I wait, the harder it is to get back to my own magical beat.

Two days was devoted to cleaning, clearing, and planting a fall/winter garden and two days was given over to vegan donut making. Turnips with purple shoulders, Chioggia beets, parsnips, and pea seeds. Green cauliflower, pink and white flowering kale, broccoli, celery, cabbages, and lacy fennel seedlings. Rich old-fashioned donuts, dense chocolate cake, spiced cake, icings and glazes. I gave myself over to it all.

Without words for what I was running from and running towards, I just needed to reach me.

This Thursday morning the smell of fried, sweet dough has finally drifted out of doors. Seeds are starting to crack shells for first leaves, and I have the name of that thing around my neck: validation. And, I have taken it off.

Searching for and padding ourselves with things, activities that validate us steal the energy we need to be creative, productive, and focused. Somehow we begin to falsely feel that gathering and hoarding things, titles, activities better adorns us with who we are. It doesn’t. Instead, it covers the sticker over our hearts that really tells the world who we are. Clearly and boldly.

I know that being bold, speaking clearly and honestly about who we are is scary. Like me, no one wants to be laughed out of the party of life for who they are. What if we don’t look like, act like, perform like what the other life party goers believe a ______ looks like. It is scary and that is exactly why we must run to and through it. At the other side of the tunnel, your light is bright, and that is where you need to be.

Run there, towards the light of yourself.

I have chosen to edit my life and accept that I am an author, a writer no matter how uncomfortable those words feel on my cheap My Name is sticker over my heart.

I am an author, a writer and that makes me smile. Amen.

How to embrace your gifts:

1. Center yourself in the things you love.
2. Begin where you are.
3. Stand where you have begun and smile sweetly at what’s in front of you.
4. Name yourself (author, artist, musician, chef, mother, beautiful), write it on the sticker, place it over your heart and do not remove it or cover it. You have earned your title everyday you show up and walk forward in your truth.
5. Edit your life and focus your energy. That thing you do best and love is enough.
6. Love and honor every opportunity presented you to practice your gift. Don’t run from your own light. Don’t ignore it. Don’t put if off until. Honor your gift today.
7. Give away your gift, so that we all may share some of your light.

Finish this sentence:

I am a(n) _____________________ and that makes me________________. Amen.

I am thinking of things to practice number seven on that list. How can I give my gifts away? How can I share and feed my light into the world? Take some time today to discover how you can give away and share the best parts of you.

Altruism is the best validation for who and what we are.

Peace, love, and light.

Kiandra