When I told my Mama I’m going to start eating meat, including red meat, regularly she reminded me that as a child I never really ate meat. I’d eat it if it was hidden in the meal, but if there was a big piece of meat on my plate, I’d eat around it. She says though Granma was concerned, she didn’t really bother me about it, or force me to eat it. I confess to her I would sneak meat to Mykey, my brother, and when she says, “I didn’t know that,” I tell her, “You weren’t suppose to.” And we both laugh.

Mostly, I tell her, I did that Granma’s house. Granma would make traditional southern food centered on meats, vegetables (greens and more greens), and cornbread. I had no problem with the vegetables and especially the cornbread, but the meat was hard. Fried chicken was the easiest, I could pull the crispy-coated skin off, eat it, and pick around the other parts till it looked like I’d eaten it. What I couldn’t manage myself, Mykey was there to finish once Granma grabbed the phone, or sat in the living room to entertain company. And there was always company. Granma’s house was the neighborhood and family hub.

Liver was hard. Pork chops, Liverwurst, too. The worst was hog’s headcheese on crackers for lunch. My aunt Patty made the best liver and onions. Really, it was good. And so was her smothered pork chops and chicken with rice. But I still struggled with eating it. She’d tell me, “Just eat one or two more bites for Auntie. This’ll make you grow up to be a big, strong girl.” Papa, he made chicken noodle soup, ribs, and other hearty dishes. He also made oatmeal, and careful peanut butter and jelly sandwiches where I instructed him to put the peanut butter on one side and the jelly on top, not one on each side of bread. I truly thought it taste different that way.

By the time I got to my teens I sort of grew out of my meat issues. I stopped pulling the hot dogs out the bun, discarding them and eating the bread. I liked fried chicken, my Mama’s thin sliced, breaded and fried pork chops. Mama started making steak a few times a month and most times I ate most of it. By that time I was well into cooking dinner for our family, which helped. Picky eating wasn’t an option—food was bought, cooked, and you ate it. Vegetarian, vegan, etc. wasn’t a part of our vocabulary. The thought of consciously choosing to forgo food was unheard of. It just didn’t exist. You said grace and ate, grateful for what was provided.

They say, when you know better you do better. Thirteen years ago I thought I knew better when I decided to give up red meat, and pork. I wanted to be healthier and begun to switch my meat choices. Ground beef became ground turkey. Red meat became fish. Poultry became a mainstay. Even when I became pregnant, back-to-back, and my iron levels were dangerously low, I resisted meat. I refused Aunt Patty, Granma, Mama’s pleas to eat liver or red meat. They offered to cook it for me, and still I said no, happily chugging wheatgrass before my three times a week high-risk pregnancy monitoring appointments. Every week it was the same—I was one blood count point away from a transfusion. Since me and E share blood types I didn’t worry, he’d give me and our baby blood should I/we need it.

It didn’t take long before the odd cravings came. Paper towels, paper, tissue (clean, of course)—any paper products, I craved. I cried at the mention of eggs and salivated at the sight of a stack of paper. I woke E at all times of morning crying for pineapples and oranges. I craved Scott’s Emulsion, a vitamin supplement Papa gave us as kids. And I gagged every time I swallowed a shot of wheatgrass, even though I was looking forward to the orange slice chaser.

I didn’t listen to my body. All my life, even when I ate red meat regularly, I’ve been an anemic and needed iron supplement, from time to time. It’s just the way God designed me. Naturally, pregnancy took its toll and I was advised to let my body recover two years before our next child. But Michael couldn’t wait, and was conceived about eleven-twelve months after Yael. And my body suffered. By the time he was born, my body was depleted. I nursed him for 2.5 years, which further took its toll on me while he thrived.

It didn’t take long for me to be diagnosed with food intolerances, inexplicable dis-eases, and other health issues I, nor anyone else in my family ever had. My eating and lifestyle changed drastically. Arguably, for the better. No eating out. No red meat. No pork. No high-fat, high-sodium foods. No diary. No eggs. With time my family became the poster family of a Flexitarian diet; we’d eat fish and poultry here and there, but mostly, we were vegan/vegetarian and proud.

At 10 and 11 my children have never eaten fast food, at a restaurant, and do not know what beef, pork, or any other red meat taste like. Their diets are mostly vegetarian/vegan, with poultry, fish added in as ‘seasoning.’ They don’t eat dairy of any kind. (I slash the vegetarian/vegan because E makes us egg breakfast on Sundays.)

Though there was only a year or so that I was strictly vegan, I’ve mostly become vegetarian/pescatarian eating eggs for protein, and occasionally eating fish and poultry when my body really slowed down.

In some respects I’m healthy—I’m slim, have low blood pressure, low to zero cholesterol, low bmi, low blood sugar, etc. But in others, I’m not. I’m mineral deficient, my blood pressure is too low, I have no muscle mass, my energy levels are dismal, my hormones are unbalanced, and odd cravings are coming back—which means my blood count is dangerously low. My health is not optimal. And as I started to seek out vegan supplements to increase magnesium, calcium, and iron, I also sought to seek out the foods that would naturally give me these minerals back. Again and again I kept coming back to the meats I shunned over a decade ago.

As I was reading label after label of vegetable-based mineral supplement in Sprouts this past weekend, feeling terribly energy-less and desperate to get back my energy levels, it dawned on me that the further, and deeper I went into a vegan/vegetarian diet, the worst I felt. If I just listened to my body, I could be healthy, naturally, without a cabinet full of supplements.

Instantly, I rejected the idea. More vegetables, more super foods, more vitamins, more fruits. Mentally, I couldn’t embrace what my body needed because mentally I’d jailed myself into ‘conscious’ labels society has created and given me. The less meat I eat the more I care about animals, the planet; I’m cruelty-free. I’m sending loving kindness to all sentient beings—

But myself.

In all my efforts to be conscious, to be a responsible human citizen of the world, to be peaceful and kind towards animals, I forgot to give that loving kindness to myself. I forgot to consciously live in my own body, be peaceful and kind to my own heart, and mind—I’ve mindlessly suffered in an effort to end suffering.

And that is not sustainable.

It is no longer sustainable for me to ignore what my body needs and continue being the best mother, woman, human citizen of the world. Without energy, without true wellness and balance, I cannot operate my body at prime, being the best mother and wife, writer and artist, gardener and wellness champion I strive to be. Without listening to my body’s needs I forgo balance, and health—physically, mentally, and spiritually.

When you know better, you do better. Listening to my body I know there is better, and so I must do better.

This is not without struggle. Above I chronicled my early struggle with meat, how my comfort with eating meat has waxed and waned throughout my life. This time is no different. I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching, talking with E, my mother, myself, God to not feel guilty about my body’s need for meat. If eating vegan/vegetarian is cruelty-free, does that mean eating meat is cruel? I struggle with killing ‘bad bugs’ in my garden, so imagine the struggle I feel with animals loosing life for me to live. And then there are the health concerns. Will my blood pressure, cholesterol rise; will my overall health decline if I eat read meat? Is fish enough, poultry?

And then I hear the whisper of balance. Balance is the key. We cannot get so entrenched in our dogma that we forgo balance, and stop listening to our own bodies, our own health. Not all lifestyles are meant for all bodies, all lives. Every sentient being, including us humans are meant to be well in this world.

The more I began to shift my thinking from dogma, from personal judgment and guilt, the more I began to realize I can be a conscious, cruelty-free meat eater. I can be a healthy meat eater. I can focus on health, nutrition, nutrient-dense food raised consciously, organically and support those farmers who raise and slaughter meat consciously, cruelty-free.

The truth is, the world will never be rid of omnivores. Ever. But, if more people supported the farmers, the businesses that consciously raise and slaughter meat we could, theoretically, be rid of animal cruelty. If the goal is to alter the world’s care and keeping of animals, supporting the right farmers does more than not supporting them.

In no way am I speaking against veganism, vegetarianism—but, I am saying what if those are not the only ways of living a conscious, cruelty-free, loving kind lifestyle. What good is my efforts if I am hypocritical, if I am being cruel to my own body, if I am no longer self-caring and extending loving-kindness to my own body? What good is my sustainability if my own lifestyle cannot healthily sustain my household, my own body?

We must care for ourselves before we can care for anyone or anything beyond ourselves.

Over the past week E and I have had long discusses about our family’s health. We’ve discussed everything from exercise to diet to nature to financial health. We’ve thought about things in terms of sustainability—what can we afford physically, mentally, spiritually, financially—over the long haul. We’ve decided we’ll make choices that support long-term health to all of these areas, so that our lives are balanced and sustainable.

The biggest decisions came around meat. With a lot of research, prayer, conscious thinking, we’ve found what we believe is the right decision for us. We’re going to incorporate meat, all meat, slowly into our diets, but we’ll only buy meat consciously raised and slaughtered, which means grass-feed, pasture-raised throughout its entire life. The cost is high, so we’ve decided we’ll eat less meat, less often to balance our budget, which also helps to keep us healthy. We’ll get the protein we need, but not out of balance. We’ve already located a local, reliable supplier of grass-fed, pasture-raised meat, and another supplier we can order from for rare or harder to find cuts. All the animals have happy lives and are slaughtered in the most humane way to eliminate the stress and fear hormones released into the meat. The meat is checked for stress hormones to make sure this is always the case. At all cost we’ll buy locally, but when that is not an option we’ll buy in bulk to cut down on our eco footprint.

It took some time and soul-searching for me to come to this decision, but it is one I feel wholly good about. My heart feels peaceful and I know I am doing the right thing for myself, my family, and the planet as a whole. In some ways I feel better about my decision now then I did when choosing to forgo meat. I feel like I've made a conscious decision focused on balance and health, not emotion. Not to mention, choosing how and where you spend your money is powerful. Choosing to support the farms, the farmers, the ranches committed to sustainably, consciously, and healthily raising and slaughtering meat feels right. I know I’m not contributing to the problem; I’m contributing to the solution.

The biggest win is I’m extending loving kindness to my own life; I’m creating sustainability, balance, and making conscious decisions. Though it is tempting to follow the Paleo diet, or some other 'labeled way of eating/living'., I’m done with following diets, rules, dogma when it comes to living and eating. I’m going to eat what my body needs and thrives off of, focusing first on nutrient-dense, whole foods as much as I can. I want all of my vitamins, nutrients, and minerals to come from whole foods, consciously and organically grown. I'm not ready to forgo grains because I feel well and nourished after I eat quinoa, and basmati rice. And, I have no cravings for sugar, or signs of sugar issues, so I feel no need to remove it from my diet. This doesn't mean I will not seek balance when incorporating these foods in my diet, or that I won't make decisions based on health and wellness.

And while I’m at it, I’d like to do away with all labels. Can we stop labeling ourselves and arming ourselves with ideology, and dogma? I’m just Kiandra, on a mission to live a creative, fulfilled, peaceful life where I contribute love, peace, wisdom, joy, gratitude, kindness to those around me.

Do you have labels, dogmas you’ve followed mindlessly? Perhaps you started with the right intentions, but somehow lost sight of them. Have you taken the time to take stock of your lifestyle, what you feed yourself, where you spend your money, the businesses you support? And mostly, do you practice self-care, and extend loving-kindness to yourself first? Please share, and what ever you do, don’t bash anyone’s life decisions.

Be peace and love y’all.

Ki