Curing Insecurity, Perfection, and Healing Your Flaws
“Remember, too, that beauty shows on the outside, not just the inside. ”
Every morning, excluding weekends, I send E a morning text. I wake up, spend some time in prayer, begin to read my Bible, and usually, just as I am getting into the good parts, I text him. Sometimes, the texts come before the reading, sometimes I cheat and find myself checking social media, or emails before, sometimes the garden calls me out, and I text him from the soil, sometimes I wake up late, or sick, but ideally, this is the order of my day. I begin with God, then my husband, the two most important relationships in my life.
My texts are generally 'good morning' stuff. I am a writer, so E says I always have a way with words, and I do try. I value words. If it's a Monday, you can be sure the first thing I say, after Morning Babe, is I miss you. Mondays are hard because I miss him not being here when I wake up. It takes an hour or five, and then I look forward to all the things I'll do during the week without him. (I'm not productive with him around.) But the texts are always a loving thought, some details about how my morning is going, what I need prayer for (especially when I'm not feeling well), what I'm reading, sometimes housekeeping stuff, and then, always, a reminder that I value him and the work he does daily for our family.
These texts are also my time to pour my heart out to him, and I am usually surprised at what comes out.
We have heartfelt talks when he's here, but when he's here, we are often busy life-ing it. We are cooking, cleaning, teaching, gardening, laughing. Living stuff. The ugly, dirty stuff comes in between, when we are silent, alone, doing our work, separately. And, it's almost always, me. A woman thing, artist thing, sensitive soul thing? I'm not sure, but it is always me needed to brush some dirt off my shoulder.
I'm just made that way.
Now, I went ahead and did something fancy last month. I graduated with my MFA in writing. It took me about 7-8 years, and though I am deeply grateful, I haven't been able to process it completely. I'm still mulling it in my soul, so I haven't written about it.
MFA Graduation Day.
Despite this huge accomplishment, I've been heavy-hearted with insecurity. It isn't anything new. I've always been timid about "putting myself out there." At the root of it is perfectionism, and this deep need for things to be perfect. The unfortunate part is that I've often turned my perfectionism inward and used it as a weapon against myself.
I've said some of the most hurtful things to myself. I've belittled and judged myself. I've devalued and ignored myself. I've hurt myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I've allowed myself to hold on to other's thoughts, other's failures to love and see me. I've not forgiven myself for past mistakes. I've told myself I'm not enough--smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, thick enough, creative enough.
The list can go on. And on. But, I've stopped keeping score against myself.
Yesterday, while I was praying, I verse came to me:
“Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothing?”
One of the greatest blessings to my life has been taking the time to read the Word, study it, and having it come to me, when I most need it.
I was standing in the mirror, grooming my hair, feeling a bit frustrated with its length, and I felt myself turning from my hair, to other parts of me. I started to pick apart myself, traveling from my hair, down my face, my body, and then up to my heart and mind.
Just like that.
Frustration with my hair turned into frustration with me. All of me and all I do. In less than a minute, perhaps thirty seconds, I was destroying myself.
Just like that.
Comfrey flowers.
“Learn how the wildflowers of the field grow: they don’t labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these! If that’s how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, won’t He do more for you—you of little faith?”
Just like that, God has a powerful answer. Life is more. Our body, as is, is more. Tell me, what deep in your heart do you yearn to fix, overcome, worry yourself with? What ails your heart and life? What do you believe is not perfect enough? What on Pinterest, IG, FB has you feeling insecure? Where have you picked and teased yourself apart? Where have you thought yourself less? When have you not smiled, not spoken, not written, not painted, not sung, not danced?
Life is more.
Body is more.
Life and our intricate bodies is a great feat of God. It is a great thing to be alive, to have a body and mind. Life, make no mistake here, is a great act.
Life is the consummation. The accomplishment. The great deed. The great gift.
If God is great enough to gift us life, surely He is great enough to gift us all things we need. The same God of the heavens, the stars, the dinosaurs, the veins and your beating heart, strawberries, and love-making--that is the same God of our lives.
He does great things.
Before E sent me that text, yesterday morning, the one I opened this post with. I sent him a text chronicling my morning. I told him I woke up, and upon seeing my hair felt defeated by what it did overnight. I shared with him that I had felt down, but quickly snapped out of it. I re-twisted my hair. Smiled at myself. Showered and cleaned my face. Admired my brown skin and the pouf of my hair.
I told him that as I was grooming and admiring how God made me, the verse came to me, and I began to replace food and clothes with hair, face, smile, body appearance, poems, writing credits, book deals, jobs/careers, etc., etc.
Just like that, I told him, I started to see what God sees when He sees me. How could I rip apart God's perfect painting?
I texted him a picture, smiling, and then a short movie singing "I love you" with all the silliness I could muster, and then this:
“I’m feeling pretty...I know I’m so beautiful within, I see it on the outside, too.”
It isn't about looks, but my heart was there, in that moment. I went from feeling let down about my hair's personality, feeling defeated by what it wouldn't do, beating myself up about that, and then other things, to realizing, hey, wait, I'm beautiful within.
And just like that, he corrected me, reminding me that beauty shines from within.
I want to move away from outward beauty, to what this post is really about, insecurity. This tendency we all have, in some degree, to feel insecure about who or what we are. For me, a need to be perfect often stops me from putting parts of me out into the world. I realize I have spent so much time focusing on the rightness of things, the aesthetic qualities, that I've failed to realize that I cannot be of service to anyone if I allow myself to stay locked within. Within, that is exactly what in-security is. A desire and need to stay secure-inside.
My friends, that is not the way we are designed. It is not the way God has made us. We are not meant to stay secure-inside.
We are meant to turn ourselves inside out, upward, towards God and others. When we are confident, we are aligning ourselves with who, how, why, and what God has created in us. Instead of saying, no, God, I'm suppose to look like, act like, succeed like, be like her/him, we are saying, Yes, God, yes you have made me for this, for this life, and I will live.
I will serve you and others with my life.
I cannot be secure-inside, no longer, not one day more. It doesn't allow me to serve God, and you.
“I delight to do Your will, my God; Your instruction lives within me”
The greater truth, is that we are not to strive for perfection, but to be holy. We are not striving to be a perfect act of our will, but God's will. Even greater, we are not able to make our lives holy, nope. Beyond our power. That is God's realm. We work towards being holy, knowing that we will continually fall short. But, in Christ, we have life, redemption, and He takes over our mistakes, shortcomings, sins, and fails. We fall short and fall on Christ, and God's mercy.
I'm no longer striving to be something I can never be, was never designed to be, or expected to be. I love being flawed, it allows me to rest in God's mercy and Jesus' redemption.
I wish to become holy, and pray for continued grace as I repeatedly fall short. In falling, I pray for continued growth.
Come with me, turn yourself inside out, get rid of being secure-inside, secure-within, and live outside of yourself, for God and for others.
It is so peaceful here, being flawed and consumed with grace on top of grace.
Replace in-secure with upward and outward-living. Replace perfect with holy. Heal your flaws by honoring them, they equip you to live the life you were designed for. Replace self-judgment and judgment of others with praise and grace, we are all living under the same bright star and moon. Be good to yourself, and others. Give praise to God, first, and always.
Deep and Full Blessings to You,
Kiandra