March Review: Tightening My Yoke, One Month Later
Early this morning, while my birds faithfully sung their morning songs, I was reminded of God's faithfulness to me, and my need to stay faithful to Him. My birds sing the songs God places in their hearts, earnestly, faithfully, joyfully, knowing no more, no less than their God given purposes.
When they sing, I hear their songs pull from the deepest parts of their bodies, the force and dedication palpable in the air. Full of conviction and faith, and earnest truth, their tiny bodies bolt something beyond the measure of their bodies through the air. With all they have been given, they sing.
These days, I can't help but hear the song of birds as a prayer of praise, a prayer of awe and delight for and to God.
If I may be truthful, not every morning their songs fill me with peace. Some mornings, like today, it's a chore to listen, to bare witness to their voices, and above it all, hear my own thoughts, or continue to rest in sleep over their desire to sing. Some mornings, I'd rather not hear it, I'd prefer silence, or even, I need silence to think, to sleep, to settle into my own morning prayer.
In those moments, I am learning to ask myself to not focus on my own comfort, but instead to practice gratitude for their songs, their purpose, their faithfulness to their calling, and to learn to be more like them. I am learning to ask myself to be present, to listen, to find joy in their song, so that I can be better--more faithful, more earnest, more dedicated to my own God given purpose.
I am asking myself to learn to honor the voice and song God has given me, daily, no matter who or what may come. As a Christian wife and mother, a writer, I have a lot of learning work in front of me.
Nearly a month ago, I shared the renewal of my faith, and opened up about rebuilding my life in Christ. I shared some of the personal challenges I was wrestling with, and also some of the things I was excited to experience and learn. And somehow, today, I find it hard to believe it has only been a month since that post. Already, I feel growth as I continually face, stumble, and learn from my shortcomings, and earnestly, daily, seek to live for Christ.
My walk begun quite some time before that post; in some ways, I guess, I can say my life in Christ has been underway all my life, and my renewal in Christ had been underway over years. I believe even when I was at my lowest, spiritually and faithfully, I was still walking towards Christ. I've come to learn that in our lowest moments, during our most confusing times, when we are children of God, He is doing the most work in our lives. It is important for me to remind myself of that greater truth, otherwise, I find myself mourning the time I lost, or not forgiving myself for the time I spent away from Christ.
It is equally important that we do not fall into the trap of self-judgment; in that place of despair, we are so much more vulnerable not to Christ and God (who has already forgiven us), but to greater evils. In those moments of despair, guilt, judgment we are weak. We are not weak and vulnerable for Him, for God does not dwell in those emotions, but we are weak and vulnerable to sin, and greater evils.
I have learned, when God calls us, He calls us from where we are, from where we stand, knowing us fully. Even more important, if He forgives us, who are we not to forgive ourselves? Surely, we can't believe we know more than Him.
The most beautiful truth about my walk to and with Christ is His desire for me, God's faithful, unending love and desire for me. His constant voice and presence in my life, even when I was too riddle with anxiety, fear, noise, and doubt to hear Him, is a constant source of light guiding me as I continue to walk and stumble, and dust myself off, continuing to walk to Him and for Him.
Though my life was loud with the cries and calls of the world, His whisper to my soul was greater.
Is there anything more inspiring, uplifting, and faith affirming?
One Month Later
I, and perhaps you, too, have often heard it said that when you hunger and thirst for God, you'll find Him. When you seek Christ, and earnestly seek Him with all of your heart, He will be there. I've heard it said that you change, you desire new and different things, the literal meaning of the term Born Again unfolds in your life.
It all is true.
I made a lot of changes and adjusting of priorities in my life, the first, most major change is starting my mornings with morning prayer, followed by Bible study. The next change is going to church every Sunday, and the next, my family has started to get active in our church, not just showing up on Sunday, but attending Family Night, seeking ways to get plugged into a ministry, and steeping our lives in the church and Christ.
We four have grown so much. It humbles me and takes my breath away to think it has only been three months since we decided to put God first, and only a month since we got baptized as a family and joined our church. Just a few months, and God has completely reordered and refocused my life in the most beautiful ways. My spirit has found a freedom, a light and lightness, a deeper sense of peace and purpose that humbles me.
Today, I think, if my life has flourished this much in such a small amount of time, I can't wait to see how God will continue to mold me, shape me, sharpen me, and fulfill my spirit as my faith matures and I become a 'maturer' Christian. I have to slow myself down, at times, and learn to pause and give praise for today and not focus on the excitement of how God will continue to grow me up in Him.
These past few months have not been without trials; in fact, in a lot of ways they have been some of the most trying, confusing, difficult times of my adult life. So much has come and passed, yet I feel lighter. I walk with deep peace and joy. Of course, this doesn't mean I have not fallen and stumbled; I have stumbled, again and again. But, I've gotten back up each time, wiser, more knowledgeable about how to live a life devoted to Christ.
In looking back at last month's challenges, I realize some of those challenges I can lay to rest. Some I am still dealing with, some new ones have surfaced, but the greater truth is I see my spiritual growth.
(My) Personal Challenges of a New Christian Woman || Revisiting Last Months Challenges
1. How do I live my new truth, and how do I reconcile my new truth in old relationships, old habits, and old desires?
"As for me and my family, we will worship Yahweh (the Lord)." -Jos 24:15 (HCSB)
One of things I no longer feel challenged by is how I will live my truth and reconcile my truth with old relationships, habits, and desires. As my relationship with God and Christ has grown, so has my relationships with my husband, my children, and with myself. My walk towards and in Christ, I've learned, will not be understood, accepted, or celebrated by many. I accept it and am okay with it because I've learned to serve Christ, not man.
In this shift, I've come to see old habits, old desires, and even some old relationships naturally prune themselves away. I no longer want or desire the same things, so a lot of my bad habits have naturally stopped.
I still struggle a bit with worry, it was my biggest vice; however, this greatest hinderance has slowly begun to melt away. My worries come, and are soon replaced by peace in Him. I have to stay diligent, perhaps more with worry than anything else, but I worry a lot less. And when I do catch myself worrying, I've been able (most times) to gently correct myself. When I can't, Edward, my mother, my aunt, my cousin have been great with helping me move past the worrying.
2. How do I edit my life to align with my new priorities?
My life has begun to naturally edit itself (see above), and I've found that if I remember who I serve, and why I serve Him, the rest of my priorities begin to fall into place.
I still have to work to establish and maintain boundaries in my life, so that I will not fall into saying yes to please, but as a whole, I've struggled less with this than I originally expected.
3. Mourning my old life, relationships, desires, and goals.
Absolutely, no or very little mourning. I did struggle a bit with editing and adjusting my life goals, but slowly and surely, I am developing new goals and desires that make me no longer want my former goals. For example, my writing goals have changed, drastically. I won't say that I no longer want to write fiction, but my original goals for writing fiction have been replaced. Also, at one point I wanted to write as a way of understanding life as I have experienced it and been witness to in others lives, and now, I want to write for God. What that will look like...I'm still learning. Today, I have the slightest clue. I do know that I still want to write poetry, perhaps even more than before, but poetry that glorifies God, not me.
4. Pacing new excitement so I do not burnout.
No worries, here. I'm hungry and thirsty for Christ and I love it. I don't want to pace it, and I do not fear burning out. In fact, that sounds silly to me now. How can I burnout on excitement for God? Perhaps, what I meant was getting so involved and active in church that I get burned out. And, I suppose that is a real possibility, but that it is true with any and everything in life that is not in balance. I pray for balance and trust that God will lead and guide me.
5. Is there space and a need for me to serve, and where? Where do I fit?
Well, I know there is space and there is a need for me to serve in my church and in the world. I know that I fit, but the specifics of where I fit and how I fit have not been revealed to me, yet. In the meantime, in between time, I pray daily, many times in the day for God to lead me and use me.
What I do know for sure is that first and primary, I am needed at home, with my husband and children and in my extended family. I have great humility and honor for my role as wife and mother, and plan on serving my family with all of my heart.
6. How do I use my gifts, talents, education, and passion to serve God?
Like #5, I am still waiting for this to be revealed to me. I am looking for ways and opportunities to use my gifts, talents, education, and passion in my church, and am also aware that they are all used daily, at home with my children. I have also realized I can use them here, on my blog.
7. What do I share of my journey, when, and how?
I've learned to pray first, to think about everything I do and ask first, does this glorify God, does it bring Him glory, or me? From there, I think about everything I say and ask if it will be a blessing or a stumbling block to another. I let those higher concerns guide me in what I share.
I think I was a little shy, a month ago and all the years before then, sharing my faith and being fully known as a Christian, but I no longer feel the same. I want to be fully known as a child of God and follower of Christ.
8. Personal success/failures with spiritual discipline.
As Christians we have a relationship with God and Christ, we walk with Christ because we will fail, again and again, and again. The point is not to think of spiritual discipline as a sacrifice, as a suffering, but to see it as a gift, as a blessing, as a way of showing our gratitude for Christ's atonement and God's mercy.
This past month I've failed so many times, but each time I've become so much more wiser and closer to honoring God with my life. Each time I've learned how to be better.
9. How, when, do I redefine myself? Do I need to redefine myself?
Another silly concern, I no longer worry myself with. I do not define myself, Christ defines me. I am defined by Christ. I pray that I am known as one of His followers and that He has redefined me.
Again, I think this was born out of my concerns for what others would think of me. In serving Christ, I no longer care what others think of me, my concern is being known by Him.
10. How does the modern world (social media, etc.) fit with my new desires, priorities? How do I remain faithful, how do I not add noise to the world?
This is an area that I am growing in and struggling with. As I've grown more faithful, I've found I have little desire to be caught in the modern world, specifically, social media. It feels like too much of a distraction and intrusion in my life, too much noise. On the other hand, I see it as a tool to do God's work. I'm not completely sure how, but I know it is possible and I have seen it done.
Remaining faithful is something so very important to me, and I've begun to develop ways to strengthen and hold on to my faith. What I am trying to understand, or develop is a new place for social media in my life. For now, it's a work in progress. I oscillate between getting rid of social media completely, and just altering my use (which I've already begun to do). I pray on it, and I am sure God will lead me to do the right thing for me.
11. How do I evangelize? Am I equipped?
This is something I do not feel completely comfortable with, but I am intent on growing stronger. I evangelize to those who I know and feel comfortable with, but am not at the point where I have moved beyond my comfort zone.
I do try and use my blog and IG accounts to share the Gospel, and hope to share more as I learn how to.
12. How do I remain a light for my family—my husband, my children—and be a blessing to their lives? How do I become a Proverbs 31 woman?
This is something I will always be concerned with. Daily, I think about my role as wife and mother and feel deep gratitude for the care and nourishing of them God has called me to do. He has given me stewardship over their hearts and lives as wife and mother, and I feel so deeply honored and humbled by His trust in me.
So far, the greatest thing I've learned, is to live my life as an example of His light, His mercy, His love, and to be a woman that pleases God--in that, I feel I fulfill my role as wife and mother.
April || (My) Personal Challenges/Goals of a Growing, Christian Woman
- Starting each day with prayer and Bible study, even the weekends.
- Becoming a Biblical wife and having a Biblical marriage.
- Learning to let go of all forms of worry.
- Being patient and waiting on God to lead me, and practicing stillness and peace while waiting.
- Praying for people beyond myself and my family.
- Contentment and gratitude for everything I have.
- Living slowly and purposefully for Christ.
- Praying daily for my "daily bread"--asking God daily, relying on God daily, for His care and provisions.
- Building relationships with Christian women in the church and breaking out of my shell.
- Being a good stewardess of my time, resources, energy, land, gifts.
- Self care, so that I can care for others.
- Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries and priorities.
April || A New Christian Life: Everything I'm Excited About
- God's plan/purpose for my family and me.
- Growing with my husband and developing a Biblical marriage in our first 'marriage class.'
- Finding a ministry within my church.
- Attending the "Spiritual Gifts" class this month and getting clearer on how to use my gifts to honor God.
- Watching my children develop friendships and grow in their love and understanding of Christ and God.
- Developing relationships with women in my Women's Bible Study group, and other ladies in the church I'm meeting.
- Reading more of the Bible, writing about what I'm learning, and sharing it with others.
- Reading the Bible as a writer of faith.
- Serving Christ and others.
- Becoming a better Christian woman.
April || A New Christian Life: Specific Goals
- Read the Bible daily, including Saturdays and E's Fridays off.
- Memorize one verse of the Bible.
- Write/Share more of my walk with Christ on the blog, not just my Bible study notes.
- Read the Bible as a family more often, and have more family discussions about Christian living.
- Further develop the Christian discipline of journaling.
- Finish the Love/Respect class with E, and really work on building our marriage Biblically by focusing on respect and love. Sharing the journey on the blog.
- Develop a habit/practice of praying. Praying outside of morning prayer.
- Reserving Sunday for Sabbath and self-care.
- Building downtime and rest time in my daily schedule. (Not working past a certain time, not pushing my body unnecessarily, making time in the day to rest and/or nap if needed.)
- Go on a couple date and family date.
- Catch-up on schoolwork/homework, so I have less stress and more time to devote to E and the kids.
- Disconnect from my phone, social media, texting, etc. regularly during the day/week.
- Create weekly family meal plans and be diligent about eating dinner at the same time daily.
Like last month, I look forward to sharing my walk towards and with Christ with you, as well as growing in Christ with you. My prayer continues to be that my growth will inspire you, and your growth will inspire me. May you continue to grow in Christ and devotion to God.
Full Blessings to You,
Kiandra