Effloresce: Declarations of a Budding, New Christian Woman

Mammoth sunflower in my garden.

Gardening, particularly nature has gifted me many years of being witness to growth. I’ve held tiny seeds between my fingers that I can barely feel, and months later consumed their fruits with my family. We are no different, small seeds settle within us, and under the right conditions, they grow roots, flower, eventually fruiting and feeding our lives and the lives around us.

Some of the most prized, valuable memories of my early life are the many hours I spent reading the Bible with my grandfather and learning how to settle playground spats, or conquer long division and fractions from a biblical standpoint. When I was paralyzed by deep fears he taught me John 14: 1- 6, and I remember quite distinctively reciting that verse many times as a child—when thunder and lighting woke me, when the nightstalker was terrorizing the streets of Los Angeles, when I didn’t study my spelling words or had an upcoming test, when there were drive-bys and we had to turn off the lights and lay on the floor, and when I feared God would suddenly take my mother, like my father. I remember being teased in High School for being different, or in Elementary School for being chubby, or proper and coming home and crying, praying into my Bible.

I tell Edward and the kids often, I do not remember a time in my life when I didn’t cook, I also don’t remember a time in my life God wasn’t present. Even when I thought I was a Buddhist or felt so tolerant and politically correct I expanded my views of God to include everyone’s God. Even when I was confused religiously, I still knew and held onto those early seeds of Christianity I was raised in and with.

But somehow, I lost my way. The older I got, the busier I became, the less devoted and grounded I grew in faith, until one day I was spiritually loose. My emptiness lead me to so many different ways of trying to capture the peace and faith I knew early on. It wasn’t until I landed at Cal Baptist University that my faith was restored. I loved my English classes, but my Christian Life classes spoke to something deeper. All the questions I acquired through the years of being tolerant, politically correct, the ways they confused my faith—were all answered. I even had doubts about God—fascinated with astronomy, with the earth, and science—I questioned how God fit into my worldly knowledge. I could not reconcile faith with what I could see, what science showed me, and living allowed me to experience. How can I have faith in the unknown when so much is known and put before me, I often thought.

The great thing about going to a Christian University is experiencing God’s grace. Each week I learned more, I developed relationships with more mature Christians; I had professors who cared about me as a student/scholar, but also as a Christian, as a homeschooling mother and wife. I learned how to live a Christian life, how to follow God, that Christianity is about our personal relationship with God and Jesus.

My faith was restored and strengthened. I was no longer a Christian because of what I was taught, but because of what I believed. I chose God and a life devoted to Christ. And, I deeply yearned for Christianity.

As beautiful as my desire became, I was still not ready to give my life completely to Christ. No matter how tall and wide my faith grew, I was still missing pieces and not fully ready to walk in Christ for God.

1.     I was busy. Homeschooling, graduate school, gardening, extended family problems—I didn’t have time to live the Christian life; I was trying to survive day-to-day.

2.     I had a lot of homework. All the time. I know this seems like it should go under busy, but no, I had epic homework.

3.     I did not have a church home. We visited many, many churches and though one was a favorite, I didn’t feel called to join the church, so I didn’t feel like I had a Christian home or truly belonged in Christianity.

4.     I had concerns about what being a Christian meant. Let’s be honest, people have ideas about what Christians are and are not. Here’s another bit of honesty: I have an aversion to labels; I didn’t want to be labeled, in any way.

5.     My husband was not fully ready to commit and convert from Catholicism to Christianity though he fully craved a different relationship with God than he had and wanted to attend a Christian church. He was spiritually thirsty, but wanted to drink slowly.

6.     I wanted to remain tolerant and open to all people, all religions, all ways of being ‘spiritual’. More precisely, I did not want people to judge my Christianity because they felt my decision to be a Christian judged their non-decision.

Through all these stumbling blocks I remained thirsty for God and Christ in my life. I wanted to feel the early comfort and peace I experienced as a young girl reading the Bible with my Papa. I wanted to continue to run to God crying, when I needed Him. I wanted a Christian life, just wasn’t sure how or when I would get there.

Surrender + Selah

I’ve struggled tremendously from fear and anxiety the past few years. The stress of going to school, being a 4.0 student, showing how much I appreciated and valued my education made me fearful I would loose it or not perform up to my personal standards (only A+’s). I could only justify pursuing my degrees if I was able to treat it the way I treated my family—with deep gratitude, respect, reverence, and commitment. After all, I was taking precious time and resources away from my family.

In all of this I stopped caring for myself. Homework, schoolwork, homeschooling, extended family, friends, everything else took priority over me. If I was busy, I didn’t make the time to eat, to care for myself (except for showering, the only time I truly had peace and quiet, and space to cry), to pray, to be still, to talk and listen to God. In fact, I often refused to sit still. Even when I was sick, tired, I pushed until Edward often made me rest.

This feverish dedication took a toll on my physical, mental, spiritual health. I became anxious, moody, doubtful, and fearful. There were times I literally felt I couldn’t breathe. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t breathe or stop the busy from choking me, cutting off my breath. Thankfully, Edward is the most nurturing, loving husband and was always able to recognize these episodes as panic attacks, and helped me focus my breathing, and settle my fears.

I thought the way to conquer my fears was to practice and embrace bravery, to become more brave and daring, to become fearless. When I couldn’t be brave I chided myself to trust, until eventually, last year, trust lead me to surrendering. As things continued to come undone in my life, a quiet voice told me true bravery and trust is found in surrendering, particularly, surrendering to God and His will—not our own.

This year I decided I would surrender and practice Selah (pause and praise). And those two words, along with identifying how to surrender and practice Selah lead me back to God and Christ. Divinely, my husband and children were ready to join me.

So, I begin anew, in grace with humility and devotion, walking with my husband and children, and I do not think we could be any more passionate about our new lives in Christ. No, seriously.

Sometimes my passion takes my breath away, in the best kind of way. I often find myself weeping with so much joy and peace.

Because I am a writer, a reader, a literature-adoring woman, I’ve decided to share my walk, my challenges, my growth here, through blogging. It feels like the best way to breathe out my passion, hold on to my breath, my voice, and fellowship outside of Church.

Before I sign off this post, I’d like to share a few lists I’ve created in a journal about growing as a new Christian. It’ll shed some light on the things I will share, and perhaps not share, but also serve as a guiding set of ideas, beliefs for me personally.

(My) Personal Challenges of a New Christian Woman

1.     How do I live my new truth, and how do I reconcile my new truth in old relationships, old habits, and old desires?

2.     How do I edit my life to align with my new priorities?

3.     Mourning my old life, relationships, desires, and goals.

4.     Pacing new excitement so I do not burnout.

5.     Is there space and a need for me to serve, and where? Where do I fit?

6.     How do I use my gifts, talents, education, and passion to serve God?

7.     What do I share of my journey, when, and how?

8.     Personal success/failures with spiritual discipline.

9.     How, when, do I redefine myself? Do I need to redefine myself?

10. How does the modern world (social media, etc.) fit with my new desires, priorities? How do I remain faithful, how do I not add noise to the world?

11. How do I evangelize? Am I equipped?

12. How do I remain a light for my family—my husband, my children—and be a blessing to their lives? How do I become a Proverbs 31 woman?

New Christian Life: Everything I’m Excited About

1.     God’s new plan/purpose for my family and me.

2.     Growing with my family spiritually. Particularly: Biblical marriage, Biblical parenting, and watching my family grow in God.

3.     Building new Christian relationships/friendships.

4.     Being an active Christian family in the church.

5.     Reading all of the Bible.

6.     Sharing my walk with the Lord.

7.     Bible study in a literary, writing way.

8.     Growing spiritually strong.

9.     Better stewardship of my time, garden, body, talents, mind.

10. Serving God and others.

11. Shift in priorities towards serving God and my family.

12. A better me; becoming a Christian woman.

New Christian Life: Things I Am Not Worried About

1.     Judgment & Criticism. I know, I understand, not everyone will get it and I am fine with that; I accept it.

2.     Lost Relationships. I accept that I may loose some relationships/friendships.

3.     Being Vulnerable. I am not afraid of being vulnerable, transparent as long as it doesn’t disturb my personal boundaries.

4.     Messing Up & Stumbling. I am not and do not want to be perfect, and am not afraid of stumbling.

5.     Being Known, Truthfully. I no longer worry about being labeled a Christian; in fact, it is an honored label for me.

6.     Being Misunderstood. I no longer care if others judge or misunderstand my faith.

I look forward to sharing my growth, my walk, my stumbles and lessons with you. My prayer is that my growth will inspire you and your growth will equally inspire me.

Full Blessings to You,

Kiandra